$#*! My Dad Says

Henry gets laid off from his job and decides to see if he can borrow money from his father Ed. Meanwhile Ed must work to get his driver's license again after he forgot to renew it.

When Henry wants to get an Internet connection hooked up for the house, Ed forbids it, but Henry doesn't give up. Bonnie has a rash on her breast and asks Ed, who is a doctor, to take a look so he can diagnose it.

After Ed takes Henry out to an early dinner one night, they bump into Tim, who was fired for forging Ed's driver's test. Henry disagrees with Ed on what should be done to fix it. Meanwhile Bonnie gets an expensive make-up job and is determined to make it last to get her money out of it. Also Vince tells Henry of what really happened when they were younger.

At the coffee shop, Henry manages to pluck up the courage to ask the attractive cashier out on a date. Her condition is that it is a double date with her Aunt, and Ed.

Ed gets upset when Henry uses his coffee mug without permission, explaining that it's his rule that someone must clear it with him before borrowing something (and he never breaks his rules). However, Ed must go to great lengths to retrieve a jacket of Henry's that he accidentally lent out without asking, to avoid looking like a hypocrite.

Henry writes an article about Ed, but Ed gets embarrassed by it. Bonnie and Vince become friends with an important couple in the San Diego real estate scene.

While Vince is angry about Ed bonding his dog, Henry goes out on a date with Vince and Bonnie's boss in the hopes of getting them a real estate listing.

An old Navy buddy of Ed's comes to visit, but his bad attitude about homosexuals and Ed's passivity towards it drive Tim away. Henry has an awkward moment with Bonnie that Vince only makes even more awkward.

Ed and Henry are watching TV when an infomercial comes on for wish a self help guru, Ed asks who would fall for that kind of scam when Vince and Bonny walk in saying they have quit their real estate jobs to start a real estate business because they wished for it.

Henry tries to broker a truce between Ed and his neighbor of 25 years. Vince and Bonnie have trouble adopting a dog so Ed finds a solution.

Bonnie tries to start a family tradition. Henry gets in trouble for taking the blame for a friend's mistake. Ed makes a friend at the hospital with his personality.

Ed wants baseball memorabilia that was promised to him but then sold to someone else. Bonnie and Vince move in to the garage so they can try to get pregnant with less distraction.

When Vince and Bonnie learn that the reverend who married them didn't actually have a license, they decide to have a new wedding in Ed's house.

When the height of Ed's corn stalks becomes an issue with the home owners' association, he decides to fix the problem by running for president of the association.

As the newly-elected head of the Homeowners' Association, Ed is more concerned with pursuing his neighbor Rosemary Pernworth than passing any legislation.

Ed is reluctant to go exclusive in his relationship with Rosemary, so he finds himself with competition for her heart. Vince and Bonnie's old boss drops by with a very peculiar present.

Ed and Rosemary's fledgling relationship hits a snag when she tells him that his gun has got to go. After Henry, Vince, and Bonnie convince him to heed her wishes, however, Ed's house gets robbed and he's helpless without his firearm. While Ed tries to get Rosemary to reconsider, Vince and Bonnie attempt artificial insemination.

After meeting Henry's new girlfriend, Ed realizes he has a strange connection with her.