The Colbert Report

"Dateline NBC" host Stone Phillips discusses his career as an anchor and compares neckties and Emmy Awards with Stephen.

Award-winning journalist Lesley Stahl discusses Watergate, the Valerie Plame scandal and a new strategy for "60 Minutes."

Fareed Zakaria of "Newsweek" discusses outsourcing, Saddam Hussein's trial and his own centrist views.

Financial expert and "Mad Money" host Jim Cramer explains why it's beneficial to invest in foreign markets.

Lou Dobbs thinks America needs to stop running trade deficits and fix its broken borders.

Metaphorically speaking in terms of "Sex and the City," Greg Behrendt considers himself as a Charlotte by day and Samantha by night.

Astrophysics is like jazz: it's the notes they don't play that matter.

Stephen quizzes Jeff Daniels on the town in Michigan where he lives and talks about Easter egg hunting at Sly Stone's house.

Monica Crowley bears no relation to Alistair Crowley, the founder of modern Satanism, though Stephen could imagine a resemblance if she shaved her head and held a goat skull.

Stephen asks Ken Burns why nobody is doing a documentary about his show.

Bruce Feiler has walked the Bible and believes that God was born in Iraq.

Stephen Colbert gushes over "The West Wing," a show that's destroying America.

Stephen speak with governor-hopeful Eliot Spitzer about campaign costs, his chances of winning and if he agrees that bears are a major threat.

To get into the news business, Catherine Crier said, "Boys, I've got a camera in the living room. You wanna come over and make a tape?"

Stephen and author Mary Roach contact a spirit from the past in the studio.

Cokie Roberts recalls an old Washington, where people could disagree without being disagreeable.

Stephen pitches former Senator Bob Kerrey his plan for training the Iraqi army.

Al Sharpton talks about the war in Iraq, racism and the best ways to motivate yourself to lose some weight.

Matt Taibbi interviewed the former head of the Office of National Drug Policy Control while on acid, wearing a Viking costume.

Stephen asks Tim Robbins what it's like to work with Clint Eastwood and why he hates our troops.

By saying that science has more validity than a feeling, Brian Greene is implying that Stephen Colbert descended from a monkey.

Stephen wants Richard Preston to scare the pants off of him.

Katrina vanden Heuvel is a proud liberal who is considered mainstream on her stances in ending the war in Iraq and on national health care.

Former counterterrorism czar Richard Clarke discusses his new book of fiction, "The Scorpion's Gate."

Maureen Dowd proves that when you send a woman to do a man's job, they wind up abolishing men.

Stephen is getting tired of all the comparisons between himself and Anderson Cooper.

Stephen and Craig Crawford go way back to their youthful days at the alternative congressional paper, the Congressional Fortnightly.

Peggy Noonan speaks with Stephen about her new book and President Bush's bad luck.

Harry Smith of "The Early Show" shares some his favorite interviews and narrowly avoids getting nailed.

Bob Costas reveals which sports are manly and which ones are just low-scoring European prance parties.

Dermot Mulroney tells Stephen about his new movie, what it's like to be a chick-flick actor, and whether or not he could take Yo-Yo Ma.

Stephen talks to Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban about politics and how he became a billionaire.

Nancy Grace talks about what's right and wrong with the legal system.

Stephen speaks with Carl Bernstein about what Bush and Nixon have in common and points out that a strong president is better than an honest president.

John Stossel tells Stephen what's wrong with the education system and Stephen tells John what a freedom-tarian is.

Kenneth Miller talks about evolution, what's so clever about God, the flu and what he likes to call the "Steve Martin Theory of Evolution."

George Stephanopoulos relates politics to wrestling at Stephen's insistence.

Stephen talks to Andrew Sullivan about blogging and the repercussions of some of his blog posts.

Training German Shepherds in Germany prepared Frank McCourt to teach high school.

If you pledge $1,000 to The Colbert Report, Nina Totenberg will come to your shower in a plush terry cloth robe.

Stephen hits a nerve by comparing David Gregory to Major Garrett.

Stephen Colbert struts his stuff before Washington Post fashion columnist Robin Givhan.

Author Norah Vincent bulked up in order to pass as a man for her book, "Self-Made Man," but she didn't go on the juice.

Paul Begala explains how Democrats can take the country back and Bill Clinton's effect on his life.

Based on champion poker player Annie Duke's criteria for being a pro, Stephen thinks President Bush must be a really good gambler.

David Marash explains his rationale for moving to Al Jazeera International from Nightline.

Slate's Emily Yoffe tells Stephen about her time as a phone psychic, a nude model and a bleeding street performer.

Christine Todd Whitman's concern about political discourse in this country prompts Stephen to cut off her mic.

Senator Barbara Boxer rates President Bush and allows Stephen to read a passage from her novel, " A Time To Run."

James Woolsey gives the president two and a half cheers for his State of the Union pledge to cut dependence on oil.

Alan Dershowitz discusses the dangers of preemption and why invading Iran might not be a bad idea.

Stephen finds a better way to look at the Iraq war than George Packer's critique of it.

Stephen tries to get Lama Surya Das to sell him on the concept of nonviolence for America.

Dr. Michael Eric Dyson discusses the nation's racial divide in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

The New York Times columnist David Brooks talks about being the conservative that liberals can like.

Reverend Tony Campolo believes putting religion and politics together is like mixing ice cream with horse manure.

Stephen asks what Brett O'Donnell thinks of the debate between Job and God.

Stephen wants to know why Arianna Huffington hates black people.

Jeffrey Sachs explains that giving a little aid to impoverished countries is the least that Americans can do.

Bob Schieffer has good ratings for his morning show because most of his elderly viewers died in the night and left the television on.

Political scientist Norman Ornstein explains how the current Congress does less than nothing.

James Webb discusses his opinions on the current state of American politics and the war in Iraq.

The only thing Lorraine Bracco is not looking forward to about "The Sopranos" is putting on pantyhose every time she has to go into that office.

Christopher Buckley and Jack Abramoff may dress differently, but otherwise, they are very similar.

Stephen thinks being a bully is just another way of getting your points across passionately.

Al Franken speculates on why Bill O'Reilly doesn't do USO tours.

Frank Vincent is so manly that he lives in a town called Nutley.

Connie Chung went back to work because her husband, Maury Povich, was sick of her being around the house all the time.

Does Morley Safer makes Steve Kroft run and get him cigarettes on the set of "60 Minutes"?

Former Coalition Provisional Authority spokesman Dan Senor is conservative on national security but liberal on neckties.

John Kasich, host of "The Heartland with John Kasich" on FOX News, lists honesty, integrity, personal responsibility and humility among the best of America's traditional values.

Gary Hart shows Stephen how to make an attack dog out of duct tape.

Let's see how Michael Brown handles the aftermath of Hurricane Colbert.

Stephen asks Bruce Bartlett where he gets off saying Bush isn't Reagan.

Stephen questions filmmaker Robert Greenwald on why he's so convinced of Tom DeLay's guilt when DeLay isn't even in prison.

If it gets him to his gate faster, Stephen will agree with anything Michael Smerconish says.

Stephen asks Reverend Jesse Jackson what he thinks of his plan to repopulate New Orleans' abandoned Ninth Ward with illegal immigrants.

Harvey Mansfield and Stephen collide in a perfect storm of man musk.

Stephen asks blogger and Daily Kos founder Markos Moulitsas how many shirts he goes through because of his bleeding heart.

Religious scholar Reza Aslan promises to say something inflammatory next time.

Even though America isn't a Christian nation, Stephen thinks ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero should acknowledge that we're almost all Christians.

Stephen asks author and journalist Caitlin Flanagan, "What's the deal with chicks?"

Stephen and Ralph Nader discuss whether corporations are people too.

Hugh Hewitt thinks the Republicans are aiming at an electoral iceberg and they need to turn the ship around quickly.

Sam Harris reminds Stephen that we're all atheists with respect to Poseidon.

Sebastian Junger is even more rugged in person than he appears on the back of his books.

Neocon Bill Kristol makes some friends on the Upper West Side with a prediction that the Democrats will take the House in the upcoming election.

Jon Meacham describes the care the founding fathers took to protect freedom of religious expression without creating a theocracy.

Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee talks to Stephen about exercise, crystal meth and deep-fried Twinkies.

The last time Stephen checked, you needed four stars and a condo in Pebble Beach to speak out against the war.

Sports Illustrated's Rick Reilly talks with Stephen about golf, steroids and swimsuit models.

Stephen talks to feminine sexuality expert Shere Hite about female orgasms, the clitoris and societal expectations of sex.

New York Times columnist Frank Rich discuss Democrats, Republicans and the parties' respective theaters of choice.

Bill Bastone, editor of The Smoking Gun, explains why they don't bother covering the good news in celebrities' lives.

Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright talks about God, government and her new book, " The Mighty and the Almighty."

Kevin Phillips talks to Stephen about his book, "American Theocracy," and explains how he really feels about God.

Tyson Slocum talks about alternative energy sources, and Stephen gives him the debate of his career.

Author Jonathan Alter calls Theodore Roosevelt the Bing Crosby of presidents; Stephen calls George W. Bush the FDR of today.

Stephen asks paleontologists Ted Daeschler why he can't just leave fossils alone to ripen into oil.

After a montage of Stephen's greatest guests, Stone Phillips returns for a rematch of their previous gravitas-off.

Christiane Amanpour instructs Stephen on the correct way to pronounce Iraq and Iran.

Stephen asks Steve Squyres, the principal investigator of the Mars Exploration Rover Mission, if they've found oil on Mars yet.

Author Steve Johnson talks about how kids today are recreating history in video games instead of stealing their dads' beer.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. supports his article in Rolling Stone Magazine claiming President Bush stole the 2004 presidential election.

Author and climatologist Tim Flannery attempts to convince Stephen that humans are causing a global climate change.

Author David Sirota thinks campaigns should be publicly financed. Stephen thinks author David Sirota is a Communist.

Author Michael Pollan explains how modern food choices will make future generations have shorter lives.

Stephen brings back Esteban from "Colberto Reporto Gigante" to interview Gustavo Arellano.

Bart Ehrman discusses the history of the word of Jesus and Stephen offers him irrefutable logic.

Bay Buchanan is dedicated to building a fence along the 2,000 mile border between the U.S. and Mexico.

Author Douglas Brinkley addresses why the levees broke during Hurricane Katrina and what the future holds for New Orleans.

Mark Bowden describes the similarities between the West's first encounter with extremist Muslims and the current one.

Chris Matthews shows Stephen who's got harder balls in a full-nelson breaking competition.

Robert Baer tells Stephen we invaded the wrong country, which does not penetrate Stephen's armor of belief.

Author Christopher Noxon defines the difference between adults who are childish and those who are childlike.

Amy Sedaris discusses her new movie, "Strangers With Candy," before tumbling with Stephen and Tad.

Pro skateboarder Tony Hawk and Stephen agree that it's better to continue hurting yourself than to give up.

Mort Zuckerman believes that George W. Bush is an awful president but feels that John Kerry would have been worse.

Stephen explains to author Ron Suskind that if we didn't invade someone, we would have tripped over our preparedness.

Stephen makes sure Princeton professor Lee Silver knows that he doesn't know more than Stephen does about genetic engineering.

Dhani Jones has the ability to be a mindless crushing machine, and yet he chooses to read poetry and listen to classical music.

Joe Scarborough took money from Jack Abramoff, and it felt good.

Stephen has a problem taking Tom Brokaw seriously when he's not wearing a tie.

Author and former editor of The New York Times, Howell Raines discusses the fishing adventure on which his book is based.

Executive director of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, William Donohue discusses Hollywood and anti-Catholicism.

Attorney Neal Katyal shows his love for this country by defending Guantanamo Bay detainees before the Supreme Court.

Marvel Comics editor-in-chief Joe Quesada discusses a new series of comics entitled Civil War, which combines superheroes with today's government.

Stephen asks Senate hopeful Ned Lamont if he thinks the president's going to kiss him.

Peter Beinart stops by to talk about his book, "The Good Fight," and why he changed his mind about the war.

No matter what Linda Hirshman says, men can't stay home and raise children -- daytime TV is all geared towards women.

Paul Hackett came back from Iraq, began a bid for an Ohio Senate seat, then dropped out. Stephen asks him about running and cutting.

William C. Rhoden looks to free the admittedly wealthy black athlete from the institutionalization of wealthy white-run sports.

Stephen nails overachiever Alexandra Robbins for pulling up the ladder from the top of the tool shed.

Stephen asks MoveOn.org's Eli Pariser who he is, what he does and how he wants to destroy America.

Ramesh Ponnuru explains how activist judges and embryonic stem cell research contribute to the Democrats status as the party of death.

Stephen has heard that David Gergen is a moderate Republican, and he wants some answers about exactly how that makes any sense.

Stephen asks Morgan Spurlock why he'd want to know what other people's lives are like.

Stephen Colbert and Neil Young get out their guitars.

Stephen asks linguist Geoffrey Nunberg, author of "Talking Right," how he can discredit a group that calls themselves "right."

Paul Krugman is part of that fringe 60% of the population that thinks the war was a mistake.

Gideon Yago thinks it's partially the viewer's fault that music videos are contributing to the fragmentation of American culture. Stephen thinks he's blaming America first.

Stephen stumps Janna Levin -- a theoretical physicist -- by asking her the hardest question in the world.

Stephen asks Martin Short what it's like to interview guests in character.

American hero Toby Keith talks about his new movie and smoking weed with Willie Nelson.

"Brainiac" author and "Jeopardy" champ Ken Jennings tells Stephen what it's like knowing things no one else cares about.

EPSN's Bill Simmons obsesses over sports at the expense of every other part of his life, like most people.

Stephen asks hip-hop performer Will Power the difference between rap and hip-hop.

Frank Rich, author of "The Greatest Story Ever Sold," becomes the first New York Times op-ed columnist to return to The Report.

Stephen asks James Carville how he ever made the transition from the backstabbing, egocentric world of Washington to Hollywood.

Stephen has a beef with Daniel Ellsberg, who leaked the Pentagon Papers in 1971.

No matter what Arianna Huffington says, fear is a great motivator. It got Stephen through every term paper he ever had.

Stephen asks Ted Danson why his new sitcom doesn't take place underwater.

Why do more young people watch The Report than watch PBS?

Steve Wozniak loves to cut his steak on airplanes with his business card.

Stephen and Michael Lewis talk about privilege in America.

Stephen speaks with union leader Andy Stern about insurance and the growing gap between the rich and the poor, and suggests robots as a plan for America's future.

When Stephen found out Senator Byron Dorgan was coming he thought he'd do a North Dakota-themed show, until he couldn't think of anything else from North Dakota.

Stephen has heard that liberal radio and TV host Amy Goodman is a real firebrand, so he wants her to bring it.

Randy Newman wonders whether he's at the McCarthy hearings -- and rolls over on George Clooney.

Ariel Levy thinks women who imitate porn stars are far from any sort of authentic sexual liberation. Stephen thinks she sounds like a Muslim fundamentalist.

Andrew Sullivan is the only gay conservative Stephen knows, but Stephen thought that traditional conservatives were closeted homosexuals.

Stephen is disappointed to learn from Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer that the state has given into the Feds and adopted speed limits.

Barry Scheck does DNA testing trying to exonerate the wrongfully convicted. Stephen thinks he sounds soft on crime.

Biologist Richard Dawkins explains that he does not believe in God, but also that the world was not created randomly.

Stephen and David Kuo talk about "compassionate conservatives" and the separation of church and state.

Dr. Peter Agre argues that basic understanding of science needs to be more widespread among the citizens of this country.

Stephen presents Barry Manilow with a peace treaty, and they agree to joint custody of the infamous Emmy.

Tim Robbins talks about his movie "Catch a Fire," debates Stephen on the issue of torture and gets nailed.

Penn Jillette stops by to shatter all that little children believe and get Stephen with a card trick.

Ron Reagan stops by to explain why stem cell research is so important and to give Stephen the Full Gipper.

Mark Halperin believes not many reporters watch The Colbert Report, and that's a problem.

Following the midterm election results, a flustered Stephen Colbert explains that he thought America would have lasted longer than 230 years.

Stephen and Jeff Greenfield discuss the aftermath of the midterm elections, and Stephen asks questions Jeff has never heard before.

Stephen asks Segway inventor Dean Kamen if wheelchairs that can climb stairs spell the end of handicapped parking.

Dan Rather is honored to be on The Report with an icon of Stephen's stature. And so is Stephen.

CEO of Timberland, Jeff Swartz, argues that you can run a corporation and have a positive impact on the environment at the same time.

American Museum of Natural History paleontologist Mike Novacek attempts to convince Stephen of evolution and the future of the human species.

Stephen asks Richard Linklater how fast food can be that bad - after all, they make happy meals.

Jim Lehrer says it takes a lot of courage to be boring five nights a week.

Stephen nails Harry Shearer for his lack of political correctness in naming his new book "Not Enough Indians."

Stephen asks director Nora Ephron why so much of his performance in "Bewitched" hit the cutting room floor.

Would Mark McGwire's head even fit on a Hall of Fame plaque?

Stephen tells video game designer Will Wright that his viewers are his Sims.

Stephen tells Steven Levitt, author of "Freakonomics," that figures never lie, but liars figure.

NYU President John Sexton thinks Stephen is contributing to a disease.

Dr. Francis Collins tries to convince Stephen that evolution is God's plan for giving upgrades.

"The Ethics of What We Eat: Why Our Food Choices Matter" author Dr. Peter Singer tells Stephen that human beings are speciesists.

Stephen and sex columnist Dan Savage reveal their porn names.

Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin tells Stephen that if Abraham Lincoln were alive today, he might be the host of The Colbert Report.

Daniel Pinchbeck believes the Mayan god Quetzalcoatl is making a comeback. Stephen wants to know who he is and why we should be excited about him.

Stephen asks Jack Welch how he's making it on a fixed income and has him sign a copy of his book, "Winning," for his father-in-law.

Deepak Chopra talks to Stephen about life after death, maintaining a youthful biology and his book, which costs 24 dollars.

Henry Kissinger provides the "starting gun" of the competition by declaring that "it is time to rock," and then Chris Funk offers his shredding solo.

Director of the Drug Policy Alliance Ethan Nadelmann argues to legalize marijuana to reduce America's prison population.

Jim Cramer tells Stephen how to get the most out of watching his show.

Stephen and David Kamp discuss the fancy-pantsification of American food.

Judy Woodruff talks about her new PBS documentary on Generation Next and grills Stephen on his tattoos.

Alex Kuczynski explains why we don't look better after spending $15 billion on plastic surgery.

Dinesh D'Souza believes saying that the cultural left is causing America's destruction would be going too far.

Stephen sells Richard Clarke's book with promises of robot sex.

Stephen finally gets to sit at the foot of the master, Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly.

Stephen demands to know why Tom Schaller thinks the Democrats don't need to bother with the South to win the 2008 election.

Michael Steele sits with Stephen to talk about that special Bush magic.

Stephen and Lou Dobbs agree that Congress should be accountable for America's problems.

Stephen proves to Mike Wallace that it doesn't take an hour to nail somebody.

Stephen asks Barry Lando if giving context to the situation in Iraq is the same as giving aid and comfort to our enemy.

Stephen asks Donna Shalala if cabinet meetings were interrupted to change Clinton's bong water.

Stephen asks Jed Babbin what can be done to shut the American people up.

Chuck Schumer talks to Stephen about his new book, his views on Iraq and Hillary Clinton. Then, Stephen accuses him of promising a bad economy.

Stephen's speaks with Teach for America founder Wendy Kopp and suggests that eliminating schools entirely is the best way to achieve equal educational opportunity.

Journalist Charlie LeDuff talks about "US Guys" and tells Stephen that the manliest men in America are in Oklahoma's gay rodeo.

Stephen tells Steven Pinker that he doesn't fear evolution because he doesn't believe in it.

Chris Hedges tells Stephen why the Christian right are America fascists and why his views of Christianity proves that he was home schooled.

Dr. Michael Oppenheimer says Stephen can help address the climate crisis with only minor sacrifices. Stephen says he's got the wrong guy.

Stephen asks journalist Sheryl WuDunn whether China is a friend, a foe, or a frenemy.

Stephen asks Lance Armstrong if "Livestrong" isn't a little weak compared to "Livestronger" or "Livestrongest."

Shashi Tharoor explains that the UN consists of more than a bunch of blue-helmeted refugee-huggers.

Stephen and author Zev Chafets get to the bottom of which of the two of them is the most Jewish.

Stephen asks Dr. Craig Venter to sequence Stephen's genetic code in exchange for the free advertising Venter's getting by being on the show.

Stephen walks anthropologist Nina Jablonski through his skin care regimen.

Larry King calls Stephen Colbert an egomaniac like it's a bad thing.

Mara Vanderslice and Stephen go head to head on which issues people of faith care about.

Stephen and Mark Frauenfelder shoot marshmallow guns at each other.

New Yorker reporter Michael Specter explains how Vladimir Putin's critics have been mysteriously dying.

Ted Koppel suggests that Stephen reconsider prancing around in front of the audience.

The New York Times columnist Nicolas Kristof complains that Americans aren't charitable enough, even though Stephen let him on his show.

Michael Eric Dyson explains the difference between racism and bigotry and assures Stephen that he's probably got a few black relatives.

Ed Viesturs agrees to plant a Colbert Report flag on top of Mount Everest the next time he goes.

Stephen asks Ayaan Hirsi Ali if fundamentalist Christians should battle fundamentalist Muslims.

Dr. Jerome Groopman discusses "How Doctors Think" and explains that Dr. Gregory House is based on Sherlock Holmes, who was addicted to cocaine, not heroine.

Stephen and Willie Nelson sample each other's ice creams for the first time. Willie enjoys Americone Dream and Stephen accepts an unspoken apology.

Benjamin Barber explains why consumer culture is bad for humanity and Stephen inquires as to whether he's a Subway or a Quiznos man.

Stephen wonders if Katie Couric would have an easier time delivering the news if she did it as a man.

Stephen draws a chart for John Perry Barlow explaining that you don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Though Stephen is excited for the imminent World War III, Madeleine Albright explains that Armageddon is not exactly a foreign policy.

Stephen suggests blaming the pilgrims for the origin of the "N" Word.

Clive James, author of "Cultural Amnesia," asks Stephen if he has to put some thought into appearing so thoughtless.

As Colin Beavan talks about his environmentally conscientious lifestyle, Stephen times him with a microwave.

Jeannette Walls, author of "The Glass Castle," finds out what happens when Stephen throws stones.

Vali Nasr discusses the difference between Sunnis and Shias -- though Stephen thought the major difference was whether they greeted us with flowers or candy.

Dr. Richard Land of the Southern Baptist Convention gives Stephen the scoop on Northern Baptists.

John Kerry hints that this may not be the first time he did not consider running for president.

Elaine Pagels tells Stephen about the gospel according to Judas.

Stephen can verify Paulina Porizkova as a supermodel because he is an arbiter of American taste.

Stephen asks Sean Penn if he snuck weapons of mass destruction out of Iraq in a bulky raincoat to embarrass the president.

Russell Simmons talks about Oprah, diamonds and the secret to success.

Dr. Andrew Weil tells Stephen that it's possible to channel his rage in a useful way and that he finds Dr. House to be too cynical.

Accountant David Walker warns of a 50 trillion dollar deficit and Stephen asks if his haircut can be a tax write off.

Stephen disagrees with new journalism because he believes people want entertaining journalism, not factual journalism.

Stephen tells Bill Bradley he doesn't mind the old American story or being addicted to oil.

Malcolm Gladwell explains that Colin Powell knew what would happen in Iraq because of his experience and Stephen claims knowledge is elitist.

Stephen asks Gina Kolata what the one food is he can eat that will make him lose weight and make sure he never dies.

Conn Iggulden tells Stephen why it's so important for boys to play dangerous games.

Richard Preston tells Stephen about people who have sex in hammocks in giant tress.

Nassim Nicholas Taleb's book, "The Black Swan," is about the power of randomness. Coincidentally, he was also the winner of Stephen's Pull a Guest Out of a Hat Sweepstakes.

Salman Rushdie comes out of hiding to tell Stephen about the importance of literary criticism.

Jann Wenner, founder of Rolling Stone, predicts that Foghat will be hot in 40 years.

William Langewiesche explains to Stephen why America shouldn't spend too much time worrying about other nations getting the nuclear bomb.

Walter Isaacson speaks to Stephen about Albert Einstein's rebellious childhood and how he used the Nobel Prize to get his wife to divorce him.

Stephen asks Howard Dean, hypothetically, which candidate would he support: Arack Bobama or Mallory Vinton?

Stephen asks Tom DeLay, author of "No Retreat, No Surrender," how to get rid of this country's Democrat infestation.

Jared Diamond explains how a conflagration of agriculture and resources helped Eurasians conquer the world.

Former center John Amaechi joins Stephen to discuss how hard it was to remember that he was the gay one in the NBA.

Author Bob Deans explains there were slaves in America before there were pilgrims.

Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales says that his staff is scrambling to protect Wikipedia from Stephen.

Bard College president Leon Botstein explains how educating prisoners is an effective way to reintroduce them to society.

Jessica Valenti has a hard time believing that the girls in the "Girls Gone Wild" videos are flashing their breasts for their own pleasure.

Carl Bernstein's new book "A Woman in Charge" is about Hillary Clinton. Stephen hopes it has a happy ending.

Cullen Murphy, author of "Are We Rome?," wonders if America is like the Roman Empire.

Dr. Michael Gershon's book has the subtitle, "Your gut has a mind of its own." Stephen couldn't agree more.

Blogger Josh Wolf served prison time for withholding videotapes of an anarchist protest from authorities, so Stephen is sending a copy of their interview straight to the Feds.

Ron Paul is a constitutionalist and claims Stephen is confused because he hasn't seen one in a while.

Moses and Socrates are just a couple of the famous people in history who have heard voices in their heads.

The outspoken country music artist speaks with Stephen about the Colbert Bump on iTunes and the mutual benefits of being friends with each other.

Anne-Marie Slaughter is the author of "The Idea That Is America" -- Chapter One: Stephen Colbert.

Will Schwalbe is the co-author of "Send," a book on e-mail etiquette. Where does he stand on lists of why cats are better than men?

Vincent Bugliosi, author of "Reclaiming History," says Oswald killed Kennedy. Spoiler alert: Stephen is going to mildly disagree with him.

Tom Hayden, author of "Ending the War in Iraq," was one of the Chicago Seven. He's about to meet all of the Colbert One.

David France tells Stephen about the science that further supports the theory that homosexuality is genetic, but must admit that not all the science has been scienced.

Professional tattle-tale Tom Blanton explains to Stephen why the Freedom of Information Act is so important and what freedom is all about.

Doug Bailey's Unity '08 party is trying to draft candidates by popular demand, including Michael Bloomberg, Tom Brokaw, and Stephen.

The Bohemian-Gay Index is part of a new series of statistics that indicates that gay people raise property values in a neighborhood -- not the San Francisco phone book.

Stephen is disappointed when Mark Moffett tells him that China has already found a way to make money off of ants.

John Mellencamp may be for peace, but he is no pacifist.

Frank Sulloway's research indicates that elder siblings have a greater chance of being the smarter sibling. As the youngest of 11, Stephen takes issue with that.

Simon Schama says the purpose of art is to unleash the floodgates of passion. Stephen says FEMA has to protect people from the flooding of his passion.

ACLU Director Anthony Romero, author of "In Defense of Our America," defends Stephen's right to burn his book.

When Charles Kaiser suggests that New York is a gay metropolis because of critical mass, Stephen understands that to mean it's like a dangerous nuclear bomb.

Democratic campaign strategist Bob Shrum wants to know if Stephen's wrist injury has made him reconsider his position on universal health care.

Chicago Tribune's Beijing Bureau Chief, Evan Osnos, argues that the American demand for cashmere has caused pollution clouds to travel from China to American soil.

Kathleen Kennedy Townsend explains how the Christian Right has shrunk God and made America not care about the common good.

Michael Beschloss explains why historians don't immediately judge history as soon as it happens.

The father of intelligent design, Michael Behe, joins Stephen to explain his role as the Albert Einstein of Charles Darwin.

Author and video game designer Ian Bogost explains how video games allow people to put themselves in other people's shoes.

Friend of the show Jim Cramer seemed a little on edge on CNBC last Friday.

Stephen commends Judd Apatow on casting a man no woman in her right mind would ever want to sleep with as a 40-year-old virgin.

Michael Jacobson stops by to seriously bum out Stephen about pepperoni pizza, Cheddar Combos and pretty much everything else that he loves to eat.

DNA freed Jerry Miller after 26 years in prison. Stephen presents him with a card.

Michael Wallis is the author of "The Lincoln Highway," which goes from San Francisco to Times Square. Stephen assumes it's for shuttling gay people to Broadway musicals.

Andrew Keen, author of "The Cult of the Amateur," believes the Internet has replaced professionals with amateurs. It's certainly true of porn.

Stephen asks Nathan Sawaya if becoming a LEGO artist was the best way he could think of to tell his parents to go to hell.

Dr. Michael Shermer, author of "Why Darwin Matters," says we're just as gullible as previous generations.

Richard Branson takes action after feeling that Stephen has not plugged Virgin America enough.

Thomas Ricks, author of "Fiasco," discusses the significance of Dick Cheney's 2002 speech, one that Stephen wishes he would make again.

Bjorn Lomborg says that global warming isn't as catastrophic as people say while Stephen says it's not a problem at all.

Stephen enlists Garrison Keillor's help for a folksy commercial for his own Formula 401.

New York City Schools Chancellor Joel Klein is willing to pay kids for good grades while Stephen is willing to pay kids to smoke and play video games.

Ed Begley Jr. became interested in environmental issues as a Boy Scout and maintained his interest only to gain more merit badges.

Susan Sarandon tells Stephen that her phone was bugged because Sean Penn was probably calling her.

Naomi Wolf says America is on the road to fascism. Stephen calls Head of Secret Police!

Jeffrey Toobin, author of "The Nine," takes Stephen inside the world of the Supreme Court and reveals whether they have secret handshakes.

Stephen asks Thomas Friedman what it feels like to be a guy who's passionate about UPS.

John Grisham is taking a break from writing about lawyers. Now he's writing about pizzas.

Tony Bennett feels that celebrities have an obligation to speak up against injustice.

David Schwartz shows Stephen historic political ads that influenced election results and serve as inspiration for current political ads.

Charlie Savage says President Bush is acting like a king -- sounds like someone didn't get dukedom!

John Mearsheimer believes that concern for Israel controls U.S. foreign policy; Stephen thought it was Dick Cheney.

Stephen asks Jim Lovell if there's anything cooler than going to the moon.

John Kao says countries like Finland are starting to innovate better than the United States. Stephen wants to know if it's time to invade Finland.

George Saunders says our national conversation is getting shrill and divisive. Stephen says people like him are evil.

Stephen Colbert welcomes living legend and author of "I Am America (And So Can You!)," Stephen Colbert.

General Wesley Clark joins Stephen to talk about the difficulties of leadership and how diplomacy is the way to go.

Artist Chris Jordan takes pictures of people's garbage to show all the things people consume and discard.

Congressman Dennis Kucinich accepts Stephen's challenge to come on the show and empty out his pockets.

Author Bob Drogin explains how poor information from a taxi driver named Curveball has led to the worst intelligence and foreign policy failure in America's history.

Garry Kasparov, author of "How Life Imitates Chess," may be able to outsmart a computer, but can he outsmart a man who owns a computer?

Stephen thanks Craig Newmark, founder of Craigslist, for destroying the American newspaper.

Rick Berman and Stephen discuss why smoking, drinking, eating and skydiving shouldn't be regulated.

Scientist Craig Venter stops by to talk about genome decoding, the imperfections of God and what gives Stephen gas.

Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson believes the upper strata of the Bush administration hijacked strategy in Iraq. Stephen asks who should have done so instead.

Walter Kirn thinks multi-tasking is dangerous. Stephen thinks it's as safe as juggling while driving.

Stephen tells Richard Freeman that capitalists are the chickens and workers are the eggs that we have the right to scramble.

Stephen suggests that Gary Rosen surf the web for cheap uranium.

Stephen talks about religion, immigration and guns with his running mate Mike Huckabee.

Norman Ornstein and Stephen talk about how the Bush administration slimmed down the Constitution.

Evolutionary biologist Neil Shubin claims that the human breast evolved from fish teeth.

Jared Cohen found out that the young people in the Middle East are just like American teenagers.

Deborah Tannen believes that Hillary is being judged more harshly because she is a woman.

Esteban Colberto sneaks across the border to chat with Lou Dobbs about the middle class.

With the help of economist Allan Sloan, Stephen comes up with the perfect solution to the recession.

Malcolm Gladwell says that if Abe Lincoln took an IQ test today, he'd be classified as mentally retarded.

Jeb Corliss flew past the giant Jesus in Rio using only his wing suit.

Debra Dickerson from MotherJones.com feels that Bill Clinton is acting like a sphincter.

Stephen wants Jesus on the show, and Rick Warren says he has connections.

Joe Quesada tells Stephen that he's still running for president in the Marvel universe.

Stephen asks Carl Hiaasen, author and native Floridian, what is wrong with Florida.

Tim Harford explains how rational decision-making influences our choices about unprotected sex and soft drinks.

Tony Campolo reminds Stephen that Jesus wants him to love his enemy, Conan O'Brien.

Angelo Falcon tells Stephen that the Republicans have been chucking the Latino vote out the window.

Richard Brookhiser tells Stephen that John McCain is the likely candidate for the Republicans. Stephen asks Tad Devine about superdelegates and their mutant powers.

Mark Moffett introduces Stephen to a contender for world's largest frog.

Professor Aubrey de Grey researches a way to make John McCain younger.

Governor Eliot Spitzer agrees to help Stephen become a superdelegate too.

David Gracer cooks up a delicious plate of insects and invites Stephen to join in the feast.

John Feinstein worries that professionals using steroids are influencing America's teen athletes. Leonard Nimoy challenges American standards of beauty with photographs of nude overweight women.

Henry Louis Gates, Jr. is going to test Stephen's DNA to find out if he is blacker than Obama.

Stephen is jealous that Tony Snow is filling in for Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly.

Richard Brookhiser shows that Stephen is a direct descendant of William F. Buckley. Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA, had a revelation about being eaten.

Stephen finds out why Maestro Lorin Maazel took the New York Philharmonic to North Korea. Shashi Tharoor believes that Stephen would have been at the top of the caste system.

William Donohue expresses Stephen's outrage at Pastor John Hagee's anti-Catholic bigotry. Howard Dean phones Stephen to give him a cheerful update on the primaries. Jennifer 8. Lee tells Stephen that Americans eat Chinese food more often than they eat apple pie.

Stephen uses delicious metaphors to try and find out which candidate Robert Reich supports. Stephen asks Gregory Rodriguez if America will ever be ready for a President who is "other".

John Legend explains that true patriotism involves honest critiques and a willingness to change.

George McGovern believes that one can be an idealist and a realist at the same time.

Geraldo Rivera has had an "a-ha" moment that changed his opinion of Stephen.

Stephen asks Howard Kurtz if late night comedy shows should have any influence in politics.

Hussein Ibish helps Stephen determine whether or not Obama is a secret Muslim. Sudhir Venkatesh lived in the projects of Chicago to find out how street gangs operate.

Stephen suggests to former Obama advisor Samantha Power that maybe Hillary Clinton is a good monster, like Cookie Monster.

Unless Stephen decides to run for president again, Carole King is supporting Hillary.

Dee Dee Myers tells Stephen what would happen if women ruled the world.

Stephen puts inventor Dean Kamen's vapor compression distiller to the test.

Eric Alterman explains that liberalism is about truth, and truth is complicated. Michael Reynolds builds energy-efficient homes out of a natural resource: our garbage.

Van Jones tells Stephen about green collar jobs that are good for the Earth as well as the economy.

During the interview, Stephen uses the new R.E.M. album to cover his area.

Clay Shirky encourages the Colbert Nation to do something interesting with Doritos bags.

Trevor Paglen compiled a book of military patches worn by classified or top secret officers. Jesse Ventura has been surfing in Mexico, learning about revolution.

Stephen promises Madeleine Albright a private showing of his portrait at the Smithsonian.

Stephen has an exclusive -- Jeff Gore, founder of Citizens for Retiring the Penny, is endorsing Obama.

Robin Wright has covered six Middle East wars, and Stephen wants to know which was her favorite.

Stephen asks Philadelphia native Chris Matthews how to win the Pennsylvania vote.

Stephen tries to make Barack Obama jealous by singing to Michelle Obama.

Stephen finds out from Governor Ed Rendell that the people of Pennsylvania are both bitter and sweet.

Senator Hillary Clinton gets to the bottom of Stephen's technical problems and recommends toggling the input.

Stephen worries that Senator Sanders' call for a redistribution of wealth will overcrowd his yacht club.

Susan Jacoby and Stephen debate the importance of reason, the benefits of elitism and how much she owes him in truthiness residuals.

Author Mitch Albom writes his emotional books so that people will remember to live life in the present and not wait to forgive others or follow their dreams.

If California's first lady, a member of a political dynasty and wealthy former news anchor, doesn't know who she is, what chance do the rest of us have?

Steve Jobs offered Feist U.S. citizenship as part of the deal for doing the iPod commercial.

Anne Lamott and Stephen, two Sunday School teachers, talk about faith.

Noah Feldman, who helped advise the Iraqis, educates Stephen about the Iraqi Constitution.

James Howard Kunstler warns suburbia that it will run out of energy very soon.

Carl Hiaasen feels that every round of golf is a journey into the darkest part of his soul.

Stephen is worried that Nathan Gunn is sending the wrong message by singing opera without a shirt.

After being accused of terrorist activities, Hasan Elahi decided to create a website documenting his daily activities. George Johnson and Stephen re-create one of the 10 most beautiful experiments.

Arianna Huffington tells Stephen that the Iraq war is John McCain's Viagra.

Dr. Mehmet Oz explains the more sex you have, the longer your life expectancy.

Stephen asks Jennifer Hooper McCarty if having too many poor people on the lower deck sank the Titanic.

Stephen asks Laura Dern what it was like to play America's sweetheart, Katherine Harris. Stephen praises Grover Norquist for using some of the rhetoric from the 19th century South in his new book.

Andrei Cherny explains how America prevented the spread of Communism by dropping candy bars.

Tony Perkins and Stephen discuss their outrage over the California Supreme Court ruling to legalize gay marriage. Brian Greene explains to Stephen what the big deal is about science.

Senator Claire McCaskill explains why Barack Obama is the best man or woman to be the next president of the United States.

Stephen asks Tad Devine if we can add a third candidate to the Democratic race, like a rabid monkey or an underfed tiger. David Sirota explains the presidential campaign isn't the only place where change happens.

Jon Paskowitz tells Stephen what it was like to travel around with a large family and a father who decided his children were going to surf instead of go to school.

George Will explains conservatives understand that the government's job is to deliver the mail, defend the shores, and get out of the way.

Stephen asks Libertarian presidential candidate Bob Barr if he's afraid the government will make him register his moustache. Salman Rushdie tells Stephen why playing Helen Hunt's gynecologist appealed to him.

Pat Buchanan believes World War II was the easiest war to avoid in all of history.

Stephen asks Philip Weiss if variety in your sexual married life means the missionary position with a bunch of different hats.

Zoologist Alan Rabinowitz almost makes Stephen cry with the story of how he was inspired to save big cats.

David Hajdu talks about a time in America when comics were about crime and vice, like Grand Theft Auto.

Stephen asks former Green Party vice presidential candidate and Native American activist Winona LaDuke what it's like to be an oppressed elitist. Stephen asks Dickson Despommier if growing food in vertical towers is an elitist way to farm.

Kenneth Miller compares advocates of intelligent design to welfare queens waiting for the government to give them a handout.

Stephen asks Neal Katyal if his goal of bringing rights to the prisoners at Guantanamo is his private jihad. Jonathan Zittrain wants to save the good chaos of the Internet and separate it from the bad chaos that will stomp on everything.

Stephen helps Barack Obama find a new religion by exploring Hinduism with Hindu Temple Society of North America President Uma Mysorekar. Stephen asks Junot Diaz how he won the Pulitzer if he wasn't born in America.

Stephen tells Bishop N.T. Wright his idea of heaven is getting a harp, drinking a mint julep and asking Ronald Reagan questions.

Stephen wants you to buy Barbara Ehrenreich's book so she gets super rich and has to swallow her words.

The world demands an eight-legged tribute to Stephen, and not another barbershop quartet. Stephen asks Will Smith if he supports Barack Obama because he secretly wants to play him in a movie of his life.

Stephen asks Paul Goldberger why America can't take our existing skyscrapers and stack them to make the tallest building in the world. Stephen asks Neil deGrasse Tyson what dark matter is because he doesn't see the color of matter.

Stephen asks Congressman Robert Wexler to say some things about his constituents since they're asleep.

Stephen asks Lama Surya Das if it would be hard for Barack Obama to convert from a secret Muslim to a Buddhist. Daniel C. Esty believes the free market can solve the environmental problem. Stephen's been saying that for years.

As South America becomes more independent and powerful, Stephen asks Julia E. Sweig if we have to start caring about soccer. Stephen asks Jason Riley if he's afraid a Mexican will take over his job on the editorial board of The Wall Street Journal.

Jimmy is so excited about Rush's appearance that he replaces Stephen's theme song.

Stephen tells Elizabeth Edwards we already have universal health care. It's called prayer.

If Senator Jim Webb doesn't want to be Barack Obama's vice president, Stephen does.

Stephen asks Margaret Spellings if federally mandated spanking would help our kids do better in school.

Stephen wants to know why Nas challenged Bill O'Reilly to a debate instead of a freestyle rap contest.

Stephen asks Laurie Goodstein why Anglicans can't just ordain gay priests and then not talk about it -- like the Catholics. Astronaut Garrett Reisman tells Stephen he wrote the secret codes to the self-destruct mechanism on his WristStrong bracelet.

With "Beer for My Horses," Stephen worries that Toby Keith will start hanging out with Sean Penn and chaining himself to whales.

Stephen asks Eric Roston if he believes carbon is the Al Qaeda of elements.

Stephen asks Crosby, Stills & Nash if it's hard to redo the stationery every time Neil Young drops out of the band.

Stephen wants Brendan Koerner to tell him why they make fluorescent light bulbs look like soft serve ice cream if you're not supposed to lick them. Stephen asks Buzz Aldrin if "Fly Me to the Moon" -- his new animated film about flies on the Apollo mission -- is based on a true story.

Lucas Conley tells Stephen about America's obsession with branding in his Dr. Pepper interview.

Stephen asks David Carr which is more damaging to society -- crack addiction or the New York Times.

Stephen asks Jason Bond if his spider would win in a fight with Neil Young's spider. Stephen wants to know if Kevin Costner is a Hollywood leftie liberal pinko Commie.

Devin Gordon explains what China is actually getting out of hosting the Olympics. Stephen asks Thomas Frank what the conservatives have done to make government worse.

Univision anchor Jorge Ramos discusses the kind of energy Latinos bring to the United States.

Joey Cheek explains that China revoked his visa because of his attempt to bring attention to human rights abuses in Darfur. Stephen asks Jane Mayer why she has to see enhanced interrogation as the glass being half empty, instead of half full with a guy's face in it.

Dick Meyer believes there's a difference between individualism and selfishness.

Bing West says the soldiers did such a good job in Iraq that they changed the nature of the war.

Libertarian Bob Barr talks about his presidential campaign and sharing a cigar with Al Gore. Scott McClellan and Stephen try to get President Bush on the phone.

Mike Huckabee doesn't want Barack Obama to be president, but he's proud that he's the Democratic nominee.

Richard Brookhiser tells Stephen that George Washington was a good president because he trusted smart people.

John McWhorter is a social conservative, but thinks Barack Obama would be a better president for all sorts of reasons.

Laura D'Andrea Tyson tells Stephen the economy grows faster under Democratic presidents.

Doris Kearns Goodwin explains that Sarah Palin has to make her case to women before they will vote for her.

Adam Brickley explains how he influenced the direction of American politics from his mom's house. Ron Paul would have had to give up everything he believes in to speak at the RNC.

Stephen asks David Paterson how he can be nice and successful in politics.

Peter J. Gomes believes Christian churches today are not engines of change, but engines of conservatism.

Consumer advocate Tyson Slocum says the oil companies are standing in the way of America getting off its addiction to oil. Rick Reilly's charity, Nothing but Nets, keeps kids from dying of malaria in Africa.

Bob Lutz explains how GM's new electric car works.

Maria Bartiromo tells Stephen we shouldn't have knee-jerk reactions to the Wall Street collapse.

Jackson Browne explains why he's suing John McCain for using his song in an Obama attack ad.

New York Times Business Columnist Joe Nocera explains the $700 billion bailout will save the economy because it has to. Cornel West believes we're at a moment where we need courage, compassion and hope.

Stephen plays with his iPhone as Nicholas Carr says the Internet is taking away our ability to concentrate.

Paul Begala is with the 82% who think George W. Bush is doing a terrible job.

There isn't enough time for another James Taylor song.

KIPP schools co-founder Dave Levin says over 80% of the kids he started with are now enrolled in college.

Shakespeare scholar Stephen Greenblatt discusses the Shakespearean parallels of Obama, McCain and Palin. Naomi Klein wants us to be prepared for leaders to take advantage of us in moments of crises.

Jim Cramer talks about who's to blame for the economic crisis, and where to invest now.

Nate Silver takes the same predictive capability he uses in baseball and applies it to the presidential election.

Joe Scarborough gives reasons why John McCain won't win this election.

David Gergen says with the stock market where it is, voters don't want to hear about Bill Ayers or Charles Keating. Stephen asks Oliver Stone if he's finished in Hollywood now that he's portrayed the president empathetically in "W."

Bethany McLean doesn't think computers are responsible for creating the economic crisis. Kathleen Parker says the press is too easy on Sarah Palin because she's a babe.

Joseph Stiglitz explains why the economic crisis won't end just because the stock market does well.

Tina Brown compares The Daily Beast to a great cocktail party with fun and interesting people.

Brent Glass formally accepts Stephen's portrait into the National Museum of American History. Robert Greenwald discusses his series of heavily researched anti-McCain ads on YouTube.

Fareed Zakaria says the bright side to the economic crisis is America will start saving. Wynton Marsalis and Stephen perform the "Star-Spangled Banner."

Chancellor Michael Farris explains the importance of teaching the Bible at Patrick Henry College.

David Frum believes the Republicans' creativity and flexibility will determine when they come back into power.

Jonathan Alter explains Barack Obama wants to redraw the social contract the way FDR did.

Yo-Yo Ma talks about his collaboration with friends.

Sherman Alexie believes John McCain has been great for Native Americans, but he's bad for the country.

Stephen lets David Simon touch his Emmy.

Stephen's heart stops when he tries to match Jeff Tweedy's low-key energy.

Charlie Cook explains voters want to follow the election, and polls are how you keep score. Andrew Sullivan supports Barack Obama because John McCain isn't serious about winning the war on terror.

The election is a setback for the McCain campaign, but he will come back fighting and take this thing.

Andrew Young gives credit to George W. Bush for setting the table for an Obama presidency.

Rachel Maddow says the Bush administration has been like hiring a vegan to be your butcher.

Dan Savage explains that those who voted for Proposition 8 most overwhelmingly were old people. Mayor-elect Kevin Johnson tells Stephen what he plans to do to make Sacramento less unbelievably boring.

Bob Woodward talks about the dysfunction in the Bush administration from trying to straighten out the war in Iraq.

Stephen Moore says Barack Obama is going to bring the economy to a crawl because of his taxes.

Tom Brokaw clarifies his ambition to be in Barack Obama's cabinet. Malcolm Gladwell figures out the best year to be born in the 20th century if you want to become rich.

Stephen then interviews Paul Simon about his career and his new book, Lyrics.

Michael Lewis says people will eventually blame Barack Obama for the financial crisis.

Thomas Friedman wants the government to launch a green revolution with the same persistence China does through authoritarian means.

Khaled Hosseini says the war in Afghanistan is a marathon, not a 100-yard dash. Roland Fryer details his innovative program that pays kids for good grades.

Jeffrey Goldberg believes airports don't have security -- they've got security theater.

Barbara Walters lists some previous fascinating people we've already forgotten.

Bob Graham says Pakistan's nuclear arsenal and unstable government make a perfect bioterrorism storm. Nicholas Wade explains why he's going to all the trouble of recreating a woolly mammoth.

Geoffrey Canada wants poor parents to raise smart children so they can become competitive in America.

Kevin Bacon joins Stephen by the Nixmas tree to discuss his new movie "Frost/Nixon." Charlie Kaufman must describe his new movie "Synecdoche, New York" using the words "feel good" and "sassy Chihuahua."

Richard Haass believes this century has the potential for America to cooperate with other countries to make the world safer.

Michael Phelps will compete in the 2010 Winter Olympics after Stephen teaches him how to ice dance.

Stephen congratulates John King and the rest of the media on getting Obama elected.

Matt Miller says the government must make sure we have basic securities like health care and pensions.

Benicio Del Toro talks about meeting Castro to prepare for "Che."

Lawrence Lessig says the outdated copyright laws have turned our kids into criminals.

Anthony Romero believes it will be a huge mistake if Barack Obama doesn't close Guantanamo immediately.

Niall Ferguson explains how money is a relationship between a creditor and a debtor.

Alan Khazei explains to Stephen why anybody would do something for someone else and not get paid for it.

David Gregory believes the press will hold Obama's feet to the fire in the same way all presidents ought to be challenged. Shepard Fairey's "Hope" poster belongs to everyone.

Frank Rich says George W. Bush delivers a message of hope for mediocrity.

Jabari Asim thinks Barack Obama is an opportunity for us to redefine ourselves as a country.

Elizabeth Alexander explains to Stephen the difference between a metaphor and a lie.

Jon Meacham thinks Andrew Jackson would have loved YouTube.

Chris Mooney thinks scientists are going to be much closer to Barack Obama than they were to George W. Bush. Pastor Ed Young believes more sex will help marriages.

Philippe Petit isn't courageous -- he's following his passion.

Paul McCartney explains how to hunt vegetables. Denis Dutton says art is a tool for propagating.

John Podesta believes that in the last nine days Barack Obama has shown he can make progress.

Stephen is angry with Dan Zaccagnino for allowing Indaba Music users to remix his interview.

Henry Louis Gates, Jr. says Abraham Lincoln was always against slavery, but he wasn't a fan of black people.

Stephen explodes after Steve Martin walks through his eyeline.

James Surowiecki says the Democrats are using the financial crisis to push through programs that are in the long-term interest of Americans. Jonah Lehrer talks about finding a balance between the rational and the emotional in decision-making.

Colbert then interviews TV on the Radio about their career.

Robert Ballard explains why ocean exploration is a good investment.

Eleanor Holmes Norton will give Stephen a key to DC when residents get their voting rights. Stephen wonders if putting your genome on the Internet is like posting the social security number that God gave you.

David Ross and Ed Colbert debate the copyright issues surrounding Shepard Fairey's Obama poster. Adam Gopnik claims that faith and fear no longer rule our lives because of Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin.

Father Jim Martin believes an economic recession lowers people's defenses, making it easier for God to break through. Helen Fisher describes what happens to your brain when you're in love.

Cliff Sloan believes that Marbury v. Madison is significant because it established the rule of law.

Mayor John Fetterman believes Braddock, PA is a great place to spend some of the stimulus money.

Stephen wants to know how Kris Kristofferson can be a country musician and a liberal at the same time.

Late at night, who does David Byrne fear David Byrne is?

Mark Bittman says we eat without thinking about what is good for us, and what's good for the planet.

Carl Wilson tries to understand the popularity of Celine Dion in "Let's Talk About Love."

Steven Johnson talks about Joseph Priestley, the man who first realized that plants actually create the oxygen we breathe.

Lisa Hannigan sewed the cover, liner notes and lyrics of her album "Sea Sew."

Stephen asks William Gerstenmaier to commit to naming the space module "Colbert," if he wins the online vote. Jay Keasling says the same yeast that we use to produce beer and bread will soon be fueling our cars and planes.

Howard Fineman believes Americans were born and bred to argue.

Simon Johnson explains why America's economy resembles an unstable, emerging market. Peter Singer urges Stephen to give money to poor people rather than enjoying it himself.

Jonathan Chait believes the New Deal was successful because it eased people's misery. Neil Gaiman replaces being scared of dead people with being afraid of living people in his new book "The Graveyard Book."

David Grann follows the footsteps of an explorer searching for a lost civilization.

Juan Cole doesn't advocate a soft approach, but he wants to take the Muslim world's views into account.

John McCardell believes the current drinking age law drives alcohol consumption out of public view, putting young people at greater risk.

Stephen handles Derrick Pitt's replica of Galileo's telescope with special magic gloves.

David Plotz learned that the Bible is a lot messier than what they teach in Sunday school.

Dambisa Moyo wants to focus on long-term growth for Africa instead of temporary solutions.

Twitter co-founder Biz Stone, one of America's preeminent Twits, discusses the company's popularity and business model.

Tom Brokaw believes Barack Obama appeared very presidential at the G20 Summit. Rich Lowry wants Republican principles to stay the same, but the application to change.

Queen Noor will only knight Stephen after he signs the Global Zero declaration.

Stephen asks Phil Bronstein if the death of newspapers and journalistic oversight will begin a golden age of corruption.

Stephen discusses Bart Ehrman's theory that the Bible contradicts itself.

However far the space station goes, Stephen's treadmill will always have gone a few miles more. If Susie Orbach drops five pounds, she could be talking about her book "Bodies" on The Daily Show.

It takes real courage for Jim Lehrer to be boring five nights a week on television.

Kanishk Tharoor describes India's beautifully choreographed dance of democracy. Douglas Kmiec doesn't want the state to adopt any religion's perspective and impose it on Americans.

Second Mate Ken Quinn and Stephen are returning to sea to hunt pirates in a two-man paddleboat. Sheriff Joe Arpaio denies that he focuses too much on illegal immigration.

Mike Krzyzewski differentiates between teamwork and socialism.

Stephen wants to know if Ira Glass will be just as lifeless hosting a live cinema performance as he is on the radio.

Elizabeth Bintliff brings along Daisy the Cow to promote Heifer International, an organization that delivers livestock to developing countries.

Colin Meloy describes The Decemberists' latest album by listing influences Stephen's never heard of.

Richard Engel shares with Stephen the customary tip for a soldier who saves your life. Daniel Gross urges rich cable TV personalities to buy steaks, cigars and whiskey.

David Kessler wants to save lives by getting Americans to eat less.

Jonathan Alter tells Stephen how Obama's first 14 Mondays stack up against FDR's. Ethan Nadelmann wants to remove marijuana from the criminal justice system and put it into the taxation and regulation systems.

J.J. Abrams reveals clues to Stephen's Persian Gulf mystery before Romulan Stephen demands revenge.

Cliff Sloan estimates that the odds on the new Supreme Court justice being a white male are close to zero, even if that male is Stephen. Paul Rieckhoff wants to make sure returning veterans get education, employment and health care support.

Laurie Garrett warns that the bird virus in Indonesia is 850 times as bad as the swine flu, though the piggies are right outside our door..

Mitchell Joachim imagines soft cars and blimp bumper buses for cities in the future.

Tamara Draut believes industry regulation is necessary now that Americans are using credit for basic necessities.

Ron Howard tells Stephen that "Angels & Demons" is about Robert Langdon saving the church, even though Jesus already did that.

Michael Pollan advises that the best food to eat is anything with less than five ingredients in it.

Stephen calls Yusuf a coward while telling him he loves him at the same time.

Meghan McCain loves the Republican Party and wants to save it from the people trying to make it more extreme.

Walter Kirn believes that putting Ivy League schools like Princeton on the web would show those attending state schools they're not inferior.

Seth Shostak believes that, unless Earth is a miracle, there is most likely life among the trillion planets.

Green Day discusses Wal-Mart's censorship and considers covering one of Stephen's patriotic songs.

After 106 white male Supreme Court justices, Jeffrey Toobin thinks it might be time to change the court dynamics. Byron Dorgan doesn't believe in the kind of banking modernization that caused the Great Depression.

Katty Kay explains the significant value of women in the workplace, even though they work in different ways than men.

Eric Schlosser exposes the bizarre development of science-fiction factory farming systems over the last 30 years.

Dag Soderberg takes the Bible out of the bookshop and onto the coffee table with "Bible Illuminated."

Under direct orders from Commander-in-Chief Barack Obama, General Ray Odierno shaves Stephen's head.

Bill Clinton works tirelessly to find a cure for Stephen Colbert, and the back of Stephen's head sells ad space for AMP Energy.

Stephen identifies with strong military role models because he eats a lot of Admiral Crunch.

Jim Webb's Marine background makes it difficult thank the Army, while Stephen tips his hat to a wrinkle-blasting laser and the contractors who built his set.

Austan Goolsbee believes Barack Obama's policies will fix the auto industry and put Americans in a very happy place.

Karim Sadjadpour believes Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sees his victory as a gift from God and Ayatollah Khomeini. Jim Rogers aims to keep power affordable and reliable while cleaning up the coal industry's large carbon footprint.

Joshua Micah Marshall describes the Talking Points Memo blog as a hybrid of collaborative reader reporting and traditional reporting.

Paul Muldoon and Stephen recite "Tea" together to help it become the number one poem in America.

Simon Schama admits that out of all the countries' histories he's covered, the United States has the greatest.

Howard Dean believes the American government can pay for a public health insurance option because it will generate more jobs. David Kilcullen fights wars by taking a local approach to combat smaller guerrilla movements.

Matthew Crawford explores the dichotomy between "knowledge" work and manual labor.

Jim Fouratt discusses the significance of the Stonewall riots for the gay rights movement and his frustration with Barack Obama.

Neil deGrasse Tyson tries to make science accessible to whomever wants to reach out and touch it.

Alexi Lalas believes the U.S. soccer team definitely has a shot at winning the World Cup. Kevin Mattson discusses the relevance of Jimmy Carter's underappreciated "national malaise" speech.

Nicholas Kristof describes the endocrine disruptors in the water that are causing genital malformations in male animals and humans.

Stephen punches Ed Viesturs' Frequent Everest Card after his seventh climb to the summit of Mount Everest.

If Stephen gets 25,000 votes, Paul Rieckhoff will make him an honorary member of the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America. Paul Krugman says the stimulus package is enough to help, but not enough to cure the economic crisis.

Leymah Gbowee organized a sex strike among women until the Liberian civil war ended.

Douglas Rushkoff discusses the downfalls of operating the world like a corporation and how to weaken corporate influence.

Edmund Andrews explains how he fell victim to the mortgage crisis as a New York Times economics reporter.

Geoffrey Canada can't find any area where white men are being disproportionately victimized. Bob Park doesn't understand why humans need go to space when robots can do a better job.

Aaron Carroll believes the single-payer system will cost less, cover everyone and lead to better outcomes.

Chris Anderson explains how it's possible for companies to make money by providing free services.

Zev Chafets doesn't have a problem with steroid use in baseball, but he is concerned about its cover-up.

Because the guys from Movits! are from Sweden, they're forced to have the same hair length and glasses.

Arianna Huffington was born in the United States, but she cultivated an accent to give herself an air of being an ethnic minority.

Kevin Baker believes President Obama sees what needs to be done but is too reluctant to break with Congress.

Kathryn Bigelow's war movie, "The Hurt Locker," is getting great reviews, despite not having explosions and ear-splitting sound effects.

General Tony Zinni cites David Petraeus, Barack Obama and Richard Branson as examples of great leaders.

According to Kurt Andersen, the economic and health crises give Americans a brief chance to get things where they want them.

Kris Kobach wants to fight illegal immigration on the local level and reward the people willing to come to this country legally.

Meryl Streep won't feel responsible if her role as Julia Child influences kids to think cooking is cool.

Barbara Boxer's new novel, "Blind Trust," is about a liberal California senator involved in a scandal, but it's not a veiled confession.

According to Jonathan Cohn, the health care crisis forces even middle class Americans, who play by the rules, to choose between bankruptcy and medical care.

Mark Johnson explores the way music helps us persevere through struggles with his movement, "Playing for Change."

Mark Devlin sends giant weather balloons into space to learn about galaxies that are billions of light years away.

Bill McKibben urges international leaders to take steps to lower the world's carbon dioxide levels through his 350.org movement.

Robert Wright believes that the three major religions can help God move toward a level of tolerance and compassion.

Ang Lee captures the hope and optimism of tired, dirty kids in his movie, "Taking Woodstock."

Chris Matthews believes American politics would have been completely different without the Kennedys.

Mayor Cory Booker discusses Newark's decreasing crime rate and gives Stephen the right to pee.

Christiane Amanpour is going to make Americans care about the rest of the world with her CNN show "Amanpour".

Stephen asks The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne how bad things must be in Oklahoma that "Do You Realize??" is its official rock song.

Frank Bruni talks about mastering his addiction to compulsive eating as a food critic for the New York Times.

Shai Agassi explains his electric car network that's modeled after cell phone plans.

Michael Moore fights capitalism and urges Senate Democrats to stand up for health care reform. AJ Jacobs' life experiments include following all the rules of the Bible, trying to be the most rational person alive and radical honesty.

Ken Burns believes if America didn't have national parks, the Grand Canyon would be lined with mansions and Yosemite would be a gated community.

Sheryl WuDunn believes giving women loans and educating girls is the way to lift developing nations out of poverty.

Matt Latimer, a former speechwriter for the Bush administration, remembers the words he used most when writing for the president.

After offering evidence for evolution, Richard Dawkins wants to see the evidence for God.

Francis Collins informs Stephen that it's going to take time for stem cell research to give him crab claws.

Secretary of Education Arne Duncan wants longer school hours so American students can compete with the rest of the world.

John Darnielle discusses his cheerfully desolate song lyrics and his respect for suicidal mountain goats.

Alison Gopnik says babies are already as smart as they can be and have incredibly powerful ways of learning about the world.

Colin Beavan spent a year making no environmental impact in the hope of finding a way to live that's better for the planet.

Sanjay Gupta wants to intervene in the process of death and possibly reverse it.

Sylvia Earle stresses the importance of doing everything we can to protect the ocean and restore health to the system that takes care of us.

The RZA wants everyone to know that the truth shall set you free from all things.

Thanks to Jerry Mitchell's investigations, four people have gone to jail for crimes they committed in the civil rights era.

Cornel West criticizes Barack Obama out of concern for the poor and working class people.

Randall Balmer refuses to join the Catholic Church because he's suspicious of any religious group that defines itself in negative terms. Gail Collins describes the last 50 years of progress made by American women and the new issues they face today.

Physicist Brian Cox, one of People Magazine's Sexiest Men Alive, discusses relativity and scientific bollocks.

Put Rosanne Cash's new album on your list and drop some cash on it. Bill Simmons believes Wilt Chamberlain was gay and compares Kobe Bryant to Teen Wolf.

Nicholas Thompson describes the lives of two friends -- Paul Nitze and George Kennan -- battling over the U.S. approach to the Cold War.

Andrew Sullivan details Barack Obama's achievements in improved international relations, health care reform and bipartisanship.

Harold Evans talks about being married to Tina Brown, getting knighted by the queen and exposing spies in the British government.

William Bratton works to take the American police force model to emerging democracies and post-conflict nations.

Thomas Campbell explains to Stephen why people come to see art at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Maria Shriver feeds Stephen Lovin' Scoopful, her new ice cream that benefits Special Olympics.

Christopher Caldwell says unassimilated Muslim immigrants have disrupted European relations between ethnic groups and the sexes.

Stephen shaves Woody Harrelson's head while they both sing "The Star-Spangled Banner."

Paul Goldberger says buildings bring out our emotions and are part of our most profound memories.

Malcolm Gladwell tries to get people to see connections between their own worlds and worlds outside of theirs.

Norah Jones doesn't like her fans enough to get caught snorting coke in her underwear.

John Pike talks about the popularity of the AK-47 as the Russian designer celebrates his 90th birthday. Elvis Costello will come back and do a song with Stephen when he gets his voice back.

Dan Esty believes President Obama will bring a change in spirit to the United Nations Climate Change Conference. Cevin Soling says public schools have been transformed into prisons because of an overdependence on security.

Brother Guy Consolmagno explains why the Vatican accepts the possibility of alien life. Sherman Alexie criticizes digital technology for taking away the local celebration and appreciation of books.

Craig Watkins tries to bring back credibility to the criminal justice system by overturning wrongful convictions.

Janet Napolitano discusses America's border security and explains why she doesn't believe in the color-coded terror alert level.

Bill T. Jones describes how Fela Kuti fought against the Nigerian government with his music.

Bernie Sanders doesn't want the government to run everything, but he calls for a fairer distribution of wealth and income.

Matt Taibbi discusses Goldman Sachs' unprecedented access and influence on the government.

Lara Logan weighs in on Obama's complex plan in Afghanistan and explains why Osama bin Laden hasn't been captured.

Katherine Reutter wants Stephen to autograph her thigh so she can skate faster. Snoop Dogg works on his acting skills by reading a soap opera script with Stephen.

Stephen wants Alicia Keys to address the suburban crowd in her hit song, "Empire State of Mind."

Tom Brokaw calls the last 10 years the "Oh My God" decade where everything was out of sync with what it had been before.

Erick Erickson opposes the Republican National Committee's purity test because the voters should decide.

Riley Crane built a platform for viral collaboration to find DARPA's 10 red balloons randomly placed around the United States.

Charles Moore talks about the garbage patch that's turning the Pacific Ocean into a plastic wasteland.

Barry Scheck explains how the Innocence Project uses DNA evidence to exonerate innocent people. James Fowler talks about the strong influence of social networks and how they affect our lives.

Eugene Jarecki uses "It's a Wonderful Life" to inspire Americans to pull their money out of large banks, while Stephen offers an alternate interpretation of the film. Morgan Freeman, the most trusted voice in America, reads a list of untrustworthy things.

Raj Patel says the hidden cost of our consumption causes a great deal of environmental harm and social destruction.

John Heilemann is confident his book about the 2008 presidential campaign, "Game Change," is as factually accurate as you can imagine.

Kathleen Sebelius discusses her role in the reconciliation of the health care bill between the House and Senate.

Margaret Palmer believes there's a better way to mine for coal than blowing the tops off mountains. Emily Pilloton wants to create things that aren't just well designed, but have a positive social impact.

Stephen needs a clean pint of urine before he can make an Olympic team, and Stephen Bosworth discusses North Korea.

Dick Ebersol invites Stephen to cover the Olympics as a member of the NBC team and receives a check from the Colbert Nation.

John Farmer reveals that the government misrepresented the responsiveness of the national command structure on 9/11.

Kati Marton explains how she accessed her childhood in Hungary by obtaining secret police files.

Paul Begala believes the Democrats need to do three things: attack, attack, attack. Mika Brzezinski couldn't do anything right when she tried to be the perfect wife, mother and journalist.

Arthur Benjamin loves to combine his passions of math and magic to do "mathemagics."

David Gergen believes Obama connected with the younger generation in his State of the Union address, but not the blue-collar workers.

Sport Psychology Consultant Nicole Detling Miller teaches Stephen how to mentally coach Jessica Smith. Harold Ford Jr. maintains his consistent pro-choice position and explains why he changed his mind about gay marriage.

Eliot Spitzer thinks Americans should be furious that the financial system is being rebuilt exactly as it was before the economic collapse.

Peter Cove helps the studio audience get back to work by taking questions and offering advice. John Durant eats like a caveman because our genes are best adapted to a hunter-gatherer diet.

Henry Louis Gates, Jr. informs Stephen that he's the whitest man he's ever tested using genetic analysis.

Jonathan Safran Foer says the U.S. farm system is perfectly antithetical to American values.

George Stephanopoulos discusses his work on "The Week" and "GMA" over a Heineken.

Claire Danes describes her role as an autistic woman who designed a system where cows can walk easily to their death.

Al Michaels will call it a miracle if Shani Davis mouths, "Thank you, Stephen," from the Olympic medal podium. David Ross thinks good Olympic art should contain a heroic individual. With that in mind, Stephen presents his Vancouver poster.

Shaun White theorizes why snowboarders don't burst into tears like figure skaters do when they're judged.

Lindsey Vonn discusses her Austrian cheese remedy for an injured leg and the gender of her skis. Bob Costas climbs up on Stephen's giant moose, Ebersol.

Ski aerialists Ryan St. Onge and Jeret Peterson can't leave until they admit they have an adrenaline addiction.

Shani Davis thanks Stephen Colbert with two Olympic medals around his neck in the dramatic conclusion of a two-part series. Seth Wescott reveals the gentleman's agreement among top snowboarders to wear baggy clothing.

If Don Cheadle really cared about drawing attention to his causes, he'd do heroin for Darfur.

David Brooks compares the Tea Partiers to Wal-Mart hippies and calls Obama a thoughtful guy with a spending problem.

Garry Wills fears that the president's power to declare war puts the Constitution in danger.

Barry Schwartz explains why people are paralyzed with indecision when they're offered too many choices.

Ezra Klein explains the reconciliation process that Democrats need to pass health care reform and what Republicans can do to drag it out. Tom Hanks discusses his role as a history maker and the hard work behind the WWII mini-series, "The Pacific."

Annie Leonard says our quest for more stuff is taking the place of things that provide deeper happiness.

Sean Carroll talks about the mystery of time and the possibility of a multiverse.

David Aaronovitch looks into why intelligent people believe really dumb things about what happens.

Robert Baer wants the troops to get better intelligence from the government, not the private sector.

Rebecca Skloot discusses Henrietta Lacks, whose cells were the first to be immortal and commercialized.

Nell Irvin Painter debates the meaning of white people and arm-wrestles Stephen over the Scots-Irish.

Mary Matalin attempts to explain the Republican position on health care without using talking points.

Claire McCaskill praises the health care reform bill and sends a message to Rush Limbaugh in Costa Rica.

Simon Johnson believes the Obama administration hasn't done enough to prevent another financial crisis.

Craig Mullaney talks about the current military situation and the changing momentum in Afghanistan.

David Frum says it's mathematically impossible for Republicans to repeal and replace the health care bill. Judith Shulevitz thinks the Sabbath teaches us how to organize our time around family and community.

Dean Kamen demonstrates how his prosthetic arm invention helps soldiers feed themselves.

Al Sharpton says education should be about teaching the students, not protecting the principals, teachers and administrators.

David Simon describes his new HBO show, "Treme," as "Glee," but with a few more black people.

Neil deGrasse Tyson says the manned space program is the force that inspires people to become scientists in the first place.

Jeffrey Toobin talks about the legacy of Justice Stevens and his possible Supreme Court replacement. Julian Assange entitled the Apache helicopter video "Collateral Murder" in order to get maximum political impact.

Jon Mooallem discusses the observations of same-sex activities in about 450 different species.

David Shields wants writers to ignore the laws regarding appropriation and create new forms for the 21st century.

Aimee Mullins, who has two prosthetic legs, says the average pinup model has more prosthetics in her breasts than she has on her body.

Andrew Ross Sorkin discusses the importance of the SEC case against Goldman Sachs, which questions whether Wall Street is a casino. George Will talks about the history of baseball, debates health care reform and criticizes Ronald Reagan.

Jeffrey Katzenberg listens to Stephen's movie script idea and presents the newest 3-D glasses.

Craig Robinson's parents liked Barack Obama when they first met him, but they didn't think he would last.

Murdoc calls to tell Stephen he won't be interviewing the real Gorillaz, just Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett.

Sharon Jones recalls her old jobs as a corrections officer at Rikers Island and a wedding singer.

Conn Iggulden wants to make it clear that an ordinary person can be a hero, and we can all be inspired by heroic stories.

Instead of another moon landing, Gregg Easterbrook would like to see taxpayer money used to protect Earth against asteroids.

Charlie Crist drops out of Florida's Republican primary, and Abel Maldonado promotes California's Proposition 14. Stephen asks Damian Kulash and Tim Nordwind if they ever make videos with their groupies.

Elizabeth Warren supports financial regulation that will put rules back in place and rein Wall Street in a little bit.

Stephen wishes he had time to talk to Michael J. Fox about his book, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future". Mark Moffett describes the elaborate social structures of ants that include market economies and nationalism.

Dave Isay has learned that moms, no matter where they come from, share a lot in common.

Stewart Brand accepts the use of nuclear power because he wants to see us get off all the fossil fuels.

Gary Johnson wants the government to decriminalize marijuana and tell kids the truth about smoking pot.

Hampton Sides talks about what motivated James Earl Ray to assassinate Martin Luther King Jr.

According to Deepak Chopra, Stephen's dark side is arrogance, but his gift is bringing comic relief to America.

Craig Finn and Tad Kubler talk about Heaven, Mother Teresa and their rock prophets.

Ayaan Hirsi Ali wants us to shed the inhibition of judging and say that one religion is better than the other.

Lisa Miller says the problem with the popular belief about Heaven right now is that God isn't there.

Stephen reads Vampire Weekend "The Elements of Style" to prove the necessity of the Oxford comma.

James Carville knows who to blame for the BP oil spill and explains how President Obama should respond to the crisis. Jonathan Alter believes that President Obama made history right after coming into office by preventing another Great Depression.

Mark Frauenfelder demonstrates an all-knowing Twitter orb, the most useless machine and a cigar-box guitar.

Israeli ambassador Michael Oren defends Israel's flotilla raid and explains why he does not support an international investigation into the incident. Sam Nunn hopes to keep nuclear materials out of the hands of terrorists by getting cooperation from other nations.

Alan Bean paints scenes from his time in space to leave behind stories that regular people don't know about.

According to Stephen Prothero, pretending all religions are the same doesn't serve to understand the world.

Carl Safina attributes the BP oil spill to the government protecting corporate greed instead of public interest.

Mark Mothersbaugh and Gerald Casale employed focus groups to help them choose songs, blue hats and suits inspired by Kim Jong-il.

David Mamet believes the theater is dead because they're showing nothing but revivals that weren't good 40 years ago.

Wes Moore speaks to the importance of small decisions and role models by comparing himself to the imprisoned Wes Moore.

Gloria Steinem says men who raise the kids and take care of the house have better marriages, live longer and have better sex.

Tim Westergren describes how Pandora creates a personalized list of songs by analyzing musical attributes.

Michael Specter says everyone gets upset about Big Science and Big Pharma, but they love Big Placebo.

Michael Hastings explains why he wrote the Rolling Stone article that eventually got General Stanley McChrystal fired. John Waters acted out an airplane crash for first graders, and then gave them rat skeletons.

Julian Castro believes Arizona's immigration law comes from legitimate frustration, but the legislation goes overboard.

Nicholas Carr says the Internet short-circuits our mental processes by constantly bombarding us with information.

Manny Howard tried to grow tilapia in his bathtub and almost beat a rabbit to death with a dustpan in self-defense.

Paul Krugman says giving money to the unemployed is a very fast, effective way of creating jobs. Michio Kaku believes we will have something resembling a Harry Potter invisibility cloak within the coming decades.

Garret Keizer says noise and silence get distributed like other forms of wealth and disadvantage.

Steve Carell feels like he's in the witness relocation program, and Jon Stewart wants to escape The Daily Show.

Arturo Rodriguez invites Americans who think immigrant farm workers are taking away jobs to work in the fields.

Hephzibah Anderson discovered what she wanted from sex during her year of abstinence.

Tom Blanton believes Brad Manning may have applied a Facebook mentality when he leaked classified documents about the Afghan war. "The Extra Man" star Kevin Kline is known for his great stage presence, but Stephen will not be out-enunciated by him.

Elon Musk wants to carry people to the space station, but there will be an extra surcharge to bring them back.

Andy Cohen and Stephen re-enact a fight between Bethenny and Kelly from "The Real Housewives of New York City."

Stephen tells Jimmy Cliff that he thinks reggae music is the perfect music for a corporate retreat.

Stephen questions Laura Ingraham about the hackneyed racial stereotypes President Obama makes in his diary.

Michael Posner believes it's in America's best interest to encourage stable democracies that respect human rights.

Savion Glover discusses the origin of tap dancing, explains its decline in popularity and performs with friends.

Dylan Ratigan draws parallels between Mexican drug dealers and American bank executives.

David Finkel spent eight months with troops in Iraq to find out what young Americans go through when they're sent to war.

Chuck Close explains how he paints giant portraits when he has a hard time recognizing faces.

Richard Clarke believes that too many intelligence agencies increase the chances that the next terrorist attack will succeed. Thanks to the Colbert Bump, Mayor John Fetterman has won re-election and Braddock, PA is getting a new community center.

Stephen asks Barry Levine whom he has to sleep with to make it onto the National Enquirer cover.

Spending six years at a zoo made Thomas French start to see people's primal behavior underneath.

Jon Krakauer explains how the Bush administration turned Pat Tillman's death into a propaganda tool.

Leslie Kean describes the hard evidence of UFOs and calls for more investigation.

Jeffrey Goldberg says bad things could come from a decision, either by Israel or the US, to bomb Iran.

Stephen proudly introduces his for-profit college, and Andrew Hacker says online universities are rip-offs. Heidi Cullen attributes the current extreme floods, droughts and heat to global warming.

Richard Engel explains how he got to be the journalist who told the world that Operation Iraqi Freedom was over.

Anthony Romero explains why America needs the ACLU to support the Constitution, now that it has Tea Partiers.

Stephen thanks Yogi Berra, General Ray Odierno, Vice President Joe Biden and the troops in the audience. Stephen welcomes General Ray Odierno back from Iraq with the Colbert Bump and his haircut.

Stephen thanks the veterans with a sexy hot dog man and tries to get them jobs, with Jim Webb's help. Brent Cummings and Josh Bleill appreciate the support they've received from the American public after their tours in Iraq.

Lisa Birnbach defines a preppy as somebody who has a classic outlook on life, as well as a classic wardrobe.

Sean Wilentz explains to the young people, like Stephen, why they should care about Bob Dylan.

In order to solve global warming, Saul Griffith says we have to change our behaviors, not just our technologies.

Lawrence O'Donnell predicts that a Tea Party Congress would get sworn in and immediately move to adjourn for the rest of the year.

Stephen Malkmus explains how Pavement can be such an influential band and not have a number one hit.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt wants people to remember that when you post something online, computers will remember it forever.

Guillermo del Toro has always imagined the National Geographic approach to designing monsters.

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman remembers his days as a mob lawyer and believes graffiti artists should have their thumbs cut off.

Ken Burns says the steroids era in baseball wasn't as bad as the gambling scandals or the exclusion of African Americans.

Ross Douthat doesn't think Christine O'Donnell's anti-masturbation stance makes for good public policy.

Steven Rattner talks about what would have happened if the Obama administration hadn't bailed out the auto industry.

Aaron Sorkin explains why he didn't go to Harvard, worries about child porn on his hard drive and calls Facebook a performance.

Eugene Robinson sees four categories of black America, and Stephen should feel threatened by all of them.

Leon Botstein has made it mandatory for college freshmen at Bard to take a three-week intensive on a scientific discipline.

Mavis Staples discusses her arranged marriage with Jeff Tweedy, recalls opening for Martin Luther King Jr. and denies singing the devil's music.

Davis Guggenheim explains how America's failing public schools affect Stephen's gated neighborhood.

Robert Reich believes America can't get out of the recession until the circle of prosperity is enlarged for the middle class.

Brendan Steinhauser believes that the Tea Party movement is winning because it's staying on the message of reducing national debt.

Austan Goolsbee says that extending the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy won't pull the American economy out of recession.

Bill Bryson tells the history of the world by questioning the common things we take for granted, in his book, "At Home."

Nicholas Negroponte wants to give laptop computers to children in third-world countries so they can communicate with the rest of the world.

Garry Wills calls himself a disciple of Doris Kearns Goodwin and says the Tea Party movement is a racist endeavor.

Tom Perriello is campaigning on the Democrats' record because he thinks Americans are smart enough to understand that results take time. Apolo Ohno trains like a boxer with a warrior's mentality, but he's still wearing tights skating in circles.

Maira Kalman thinks Abraham Lincoln would have been the most incredible boyfriend.

According to Jonathan Alter, Barack Obama had a more productive first two years than any president since Lyndon Johnson, but the message didn't get out.

David Frum believes the midterm elections are a great opportunity to redirect America onto a more balanced, centrist course.

After the Republican victories in the midterm election, Doris Kearns Goodwin thinks Barack Obama has to figure out how to laugh at himself.

Elvis Costello is ready for the Colbert Bump because his albums don't sell like hotcakes.

According to Reza Aslan, Muslims have decided, in their secret gatherings, to bring down democracy through art.

Cee Lo Green's "F**k You" is so infectious that Stephen feels like he needs to go on a course of Zithromax after he listens to it.

Stephen teaches Martha Stewart how to spread mayonnaise on Wonder Bread and sprinkle the slices with pre-sweetened Kool-Aid mix.

Quincy Jones remembers when Frank Sinatra cut him loose with Lucille Ball and Loretta Young in Las Vegas.

NBA Commissioner David Stern discusses basketball's popularity around the world and the benefits of short shorts.

John Legend encourages people to stay involved and aware of what's going on in the world with his tribute to protest songs from the 60s and 70s.

Ian Frazier describes being on a train for 52 hours and never leaving the Russian forest.

Salvatore Giunta gives credit to all the unsung heroes who didn't receive a Medal of Honor for bravery in Afghanistan.

Dan Savage wants Stephen to set an example for high-profile conservative pundits by making a video for the It Gets Better Project.

Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack delivers a Stephen Colbert head made out of 25 pounds of organic cheddar.

Michelle Rhee says the problem with America's public schools is that there is no organized interest group that represents children.

David Stockman wants America to get out of debt by letting the Bush tax cuts expire and cutting the defense budget.

"Doonesbury" cartoonist Garry Trudeau scooped himself on the first openly gay character in a comic strip.

David and Julie Eisenhower talk about what it was like to be with the man who invented the 1950s but didn't know how to use a telephone.

Steve Martin puts his art knowledge to the test by choosing between Ellsworth Kelly's "Green" and a Sherwin-Williams paint swatch.

Julie Taymor agrees that her version of "The Tempest" is "Lost" meets Harry Potter.

Patti Smith gives advice to young people who decide to throw away their lives and become artists.

David Boies supports the Prop 8 challenge because marriage is one of the most important rights in America. Stephen asks Stephen Sondheim if there really is a place for an illegal immigrant like Maria and finishes "Send in the Clowns" with his own lyrics.

While Stephen waits for his Prodigy account to open, Omar Wasow discusses what is at stake in the cyberwar. Laird Hamilton discusses the most dangerous thing in the ocean and the plus side of global warming.

Amy Sedaris shows how to save money by freezing cookie crumbs for the office holiday party. Paul Simon talks about how he sampled a sermon from 1941 for his first Christmas song.

Ed Rendell explains that America is wussing out by not doing anything about China and canceling football games because of weather.

Ron Paul wants to return to the gold standard, while David Leonhardt explains why Americans don't need to worry about inflation. Geoffrey Canada works to educate kids and teach them how to grow up without using violence.

Atul Gawande explains how checklists make flying, surgery and Van Halen shows safer.

Ronald DePinho wants to reverse the aging process and increase years of healthy living so that older people can continue to work.

Fen Montaigne explains how global warming affects Antarctic penguins and rising sea levels.

Chris Hughes talks about working for the Obama campaign and helping people connect to a non-profit through Jumo.

Stephen informs Bernard-Henri Levy that Americans think of public intellectualizing the same as public urination.

Kevin Spacey explains that Jack Abramoff went to prison for overcharging Native Americans, but Stephen thinks that makes him a patriot.

Sherry Turkle doesn't want to get rid of technology, but she thinks it's time to put it in its place.

Cornel West wants the love to flow so that poor people will have the same dignity as investment bankers.

Ron Reagan helps Stephen remember that his father raised taxes and provided amnesty to illegal immigrants.

Chris Matthews remembers John F. Kennedy as a war hero who was the first president to stand up for civil rights.

Charlie Rose admits that he rarely sits down for interviews himself because he has nothing to say.

Amy Chua explains how she tried to raise her two daughters the same way her strict Chinese immigrant parents raised her.

Stephen answers Obama's call to entrepreneurs and reviews the State of the Union address with Michael Waldman. Christine Yvette Lewis is a working nanny who advocates for fair labor standards for domestic workers.

Stephen uses the power of time-traveling porn to predict the 2012 presidential election, and Daryl Bem discusses his theory of extrasensory pornception. Brian Greene says math is the gateway to reality and calls Stephen a bag of particles governed by the laws of physics.

Samer Shehata believes the U.S. can push for a stable Middle East by supporting the 83 million Egyptians rising up. Paul Offit believes the visibility of the smallpox vaccination scar during swimsuit season is a small price to pay for better health.

Leslie Dach confirms the ugly rumors that Wal-Mart is collaborating with the Obama administration to sell fruits and vegetables at a lower price. Michael Lewis explains how Wall Street got so good at disguising bad loans that they bought some for themselves.

Sean Dorrance Kelly believes that we've lost the notion of what's sacred in our existence.

Jane McGonigal says 10 years of scientific research show that playing video games is actually the most productive thing we can do.

James Murphy explains why he's walking away from fame in his last TV appearance as LCD Soundsystem.

Christiane Amanpour brings a gift for Christiane Aman-purr and believes Egypt's democratic uprising will last. David Albright explains why no one will take credit for setting back the Iranian nuclear program with Stuxnet.

Eric Foner says Abraham Lincoln didn't see slavery as a fundamental problem confronting America until well into his career.

H. Jeffrey Leonard explains the impact of big companies' late payment policies on small business.

Eugene Jarecki reveals that Ronald Reagan raised taxes and was the first president to have a gay sleepover in the White House.

Randi Weingarten says state workers in Wisconsin are willing to do their part with budget cuts, but they don't want to lose their voice. Bing West believes America diverted itself from the war by trying to make a modern nation out of Afghanistan.

Stephanie Coontz says that women in the 1960s who wanted more in life than to be a housewife were diagnosed with penis envy.

Glenn Greenwald praises WikiLeaks for shining a light on what government and corporations do in secret. Mike Huckabee believes there aren't nearly enough potential presidential candidates working for Fox News.

Michael Scheuer believes the war on terror has barely begun because the American people don't have a clue about why they're being attacked.

Evan Osnos believes America needs to be working as hard as China if it wants to come up with the next big technological idea.

Stephen hopes he's not the surprise on the obituary page, and Harry Connick, Jr. won't be tickling the ivories.

Mark Moffett says plants need an animal intermediary to carry the pollen to the next plant and do the deed.

Joshua Foer explains that having a European coach was like bringing a gun to a knife fight at the U.S. Memory Championship.

Dan Sinker questions the sanity of anyone who actually thought he was Rahm Emanuel on Twitter.

David Brooks describes the way unconscious emotions affect people's decisions and values.

Reza Aslan thinks Peter King's hearings to investigate Muslim radicalization are a useless enterprise.

The escalating conflict in Libya means good news for troops, Stephen's self-portrait goes up for auction, and Steve Martin does some bluegrass.

Ayman Mohyeldin says the American cable companies that refuse to carry Al Jazeera help contribute to the misinformation about the Middle East.

Nathan Myhrvold uses modern scientific methods to cook 72-hour pastrami and pistachio ice cream without cream.

Jody Williams doesn't believe she's better than men, but she thinks she's smarter than a lot of them.

Michael Moore says labor unions are on the ropes because wealthy people have done everything they can to destroy them.

Anthony Fauci explains to Stephen why AIDS is still a big problem, even with abstinence education.

Tim Shriver asks Stephen to lead a campaign to get people to stop using the r-word.

Piers Gibbon was oddly offended when he learned that cannibals in New Guinea had never eaten a white man.

Andrew Chaikin explains why humans need to follow in the footsteps of their robotic emissaries and travel to Mars.

James Franco addresses his pop culture critics and believes Stephen would win a Renaissance man-off.

David Tang provides celebrities the platform to correct lies and misinformation for much less than the cost of a lawyer.

Jeff Greenfield writes alternate American histories to prove that the flip of a coin can produce powerful political results.

Stephen wants Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage to bust the myths of evolution and throwing the baby out with the bathwater.